greetings to my peeps on the day that the pissed off gnome returns to the north east of the magical kingdom. have i seen or heard from him yet? hell no. all i know is that hannah told me that she was going round to his house tonight around 6:30 (local time) to see him. its been about 44 days since they last saw each other. normally i would write " mwa ha ha go and rub your magic lamp " but im sure that both their hands will be rubbing some thing else. im gonna get a few punches from the gnome for saying that but after a day like today those punches will be not even a scratch in comparison.

so lets get to it. my train track broke again yesterday, so i started early - yes an early morning, the first and last of the entire six weeks holiday - went to town and purchased a bag of tacks. for those who do not know what a tack is, its a mini nail, about a centimetre in length and about 1-2 millimetres in width. so i went home with my tacks and started tacking this that and the other. my train set is in my attic, at the far side where its very dark and very cramped. the space i was working in was full of pieces of track and tacks lying all over the place. about half an hour into my tacking session i felt a pain in my left knee cap. i shone the torch at my knee to find there was a tack impaled in myself. " bastard " i thought. it didnt help that the knee it was impaled in was the knee in which my cartilage is already fucked. re: my knee - i went to the doctor and he said he cant do anything because he hasnt a clue whats wrong. i feel like taking a sledgehammer to my knee just to get something done to fix it.

anyways, how many of you out there have ever had to use a pair of pliers on yourself? id guess at one. so here i was in the dark, holding a torch in one hand and pliers in the other. there was only one other place id rather not be using the pliers, no prizes of guessing where that would be. eventually i pulled the bugger out and my knee started to leak. i know have a nice bloodstained piece of traintrack as a souvenier.

later in the day, i was asked to help move cupboards upstairs and downstairs. piece of cake i thought. now, you know when your parents tell you to make sure to bend your knees when you lift and you never listen? today was the day i wish i listened. id buggered my back. it killed. i couldnt even bend over to pick up a flapjack. of course, being a man, i didnt complain but instead carried on the task, even though it felt like being stabbed in the back with a thousand daggers. it gradually started to ease off during the day. key word: gradually. gradually takes time. i started lifting at about half twelve. it must have been about six before it started to get better.

the worst was to come. it was about seven at night. my back was only just getting better. as you might know, my house is getting completely redone. rooms are changing colour, furniture is coming in, but better, furniture is going out. this means i get to demolish it. i break things a lot round the house. accidently of course. but its always better when you get told to break stuff. it makes you feel honoured by whoever tells you to do it. anyone can break stuff so getting the honour to do it is a privalage. to get it from your mother who hates you for breaking anything is world ending. so she tells me to break an old computer table. it was an old one, with wheels and all. the last time i had to break a computer table i threw it against my neighbours fence. the fence did the main damage, i finished it off with a sledgehammer. this time i wanted to do the damage.

im not a pain seaker. i can just endure more than others. thats why i usual volunteer to do the craziest of shit. i have a way to deal with pain. you forget its there. do it. get someone to punch you hard. when they do it think as though another part of your body hurts more. the pain soon goes away. i did it throughout school. my secondary school cv of pain is pretty good. multiple cdt folders to the head, repetitive kicks to the entire body during a "walk of pain" pe lesson, a stud to the eye in rugby, as well as suicide missions in snowball fights is pretty good. i dare you to beat it. last year, i had one hell of a snowball drop on my testicles. it would have made johnny knoxville very proud. if this table was going down, i would get hurt. but nothing was going to stop me. pain would have to be ignored.

my garden is the world most stupidest garden. it starts with a mini-patio, then some steps up to my grass part of the garden. the shed i have is at the bottom. its a small shed, so you can leap from the shed onto the grass at a height of five foot. you might have already guessed what i did. i placed the computer table of the grass within jumping distance of the shed. i climbed the shed. the idea was to hit the middle of the top of the table and for it to shatter all around me. easy i thought. i had already thought that already today. hint for future reference: never call anything easy.

i jumped. big mistake. i hit the top of the desk. it snapped instantly. " good so far " i thought. did i tell you i was wearing shorts? i didnt? ok. by the way. im wearing shorts. the next part was the bastard. there is - or should i say was - a verticle piece of wood left of the center of the desk on the level below the top if you understand what i mean. this piece of wood decided it was going to rip my shorts and that it was going to scratch me from just above my knee to the top of my leg. how it didnt catch my testicles i will never know, but i am very very grateful. so i had a scratch. a graze. big deal. big deal? oh yes, it was the master of scratches, about an inch and a half wide and a good six to seven inches long. in maths, thats between nine / ten and a half square inches of pure skin irritation.

now you can say ouch.

but wait. theres more

the table had wheels on. the wheels were attached to the base. and the vertical piece of wood had broken my fall. i had no velocity going downwards. but there was still movement. movement + wheels = more movement. i was shunted by the table which had decided to swoosh off in one direction throwing me in the other. i landed elbow first on the bottom of the concrete floor. how my elbow isnt shattered im clueless. it should be covered in plaster now. im telling you, i am a freak of nature. first of all my soap in chemistry blows up, lands all over my arm and is supposed to burn straight through it, but its still there. now i land after a six foot drop on my elbow and its still there in one piece? maybe i should be a wrestler. or a stunt man. did it hurt? you bet your ass it did. i was rolling on the floor like... something rolling on the floor. it was a sharp pain. it was sudden. it was a bastard. it still hurts and its almost ten at night. ill shake it off thought. it did however take the pain away from my back. thats nothing in comparison.

im stupid.

really stupid.

thats why im captain idiot and your not. you better recognise... wait, only a black man would say that...

so yea... go rub your magic lamp
word life and out
captain idiot

greetings to my peeps. yesterday i told you about my music dilemma. well im cured. thank you electric six. thank you phantom planet. thank you kings of leon. thank you feeder. im cured. rock on indeedio.

:) woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :) 

long live electric six. long live phantom planet. long live the kings. long live feeder.

so yea... go rub your magic lamp
word life and out
captain idiot

greetings to my peeps. its been four whole days since i last blogged. heres a list of things that have happened since then.

i have refereed 20 games of football (soccer to my american peeps). 19 of those were on the same day that was a very hot day i got sun burnt i have a nice "watch" tan i went to two birthday parties i met my brothers girlfriends parents and her aunt and uncle the less said the better there was a lot of booze flying that night i called the bunch of them "fucking wankers" i was sober at that time i broke my electric trainset i had to untack the track and retack it before it worked again ive decorated my ass off i had less than two hours collectively sleep over sunday and monday thats because i stayed up to watch summerslam! wwe rules yes, i know its fake i bought a remote control car and created a stunt track which involved going down a slide and smashing into walls ive been listening to music that is atypical of me. missy elliott, dido, christina aguilera, mark owen, t'pau, tears for fears and hell, the village people. its driving me mad listening to it, but the weird thing is, i know all the words. some one shoot me. shoot me now. i need to be cured of this attack on my mental health.

and of course, i blame the pissed off gnome for this. i mean who else can i blame?

so yea... go rub your magic lamp
word life and out
captain idiot